Isn’t it strange how, when we realise a glaring fault in our own life, we suddenly start to see similar faults in others’? This presents us with a problem and a challenge. Our first reaction is often to start telling that other person that they, too, need to change in this or that area or tell them pointedly how we overcame or are dealing with, a particular problem area. Unfortunately, this is NOT the way to win friends and influence people.
For a start, that person may not be in the right headspace or life situation to be able to acknowledge or even face their own inadequacies. By putting pressure on them to ‘change’ you may just drive them away from you, or even worse, drive them deeper into a depressive state of mind. And don’t be like the bride you went to the church on her wedding day with three words on her mind: Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Never start a relationship with someone because you think you can ‘help them sort their life out’!
So, this brings us to the challenge. Are you up for it? How do you navigate change in your own life while influencing those around you in a positive way?
1. Just work on yourself.
Remember you have been this way for a long time and it will take time to facilitate change. Be kind to yourself. If you slip up, recognise it, make a note (mental or written) of the circumstances and triggers and move on. You will soon find yourself pulling up before you make that statement, interrupt or offer your opinion.
Those around you have been who they are for a long time, too, so continue to love and accept them as they are. Respect everyone’s journey and remember that you can’t force another person to change.
2. Don’t tell everyone what you are working on.
You may need to confide in a trusted friend so you can be accountable, but not everyone wants to know every struggle and detail of your change journey. Those close to you will begin to notice changes as they spend time with you. They may ask you about it or they may not, but this is how you can influence people. When they see the positive changes in you, they may want to see those same breakthroughs in themselves and be encouraged to make constructive decisions or maybe even ask for your help.
If people notice a change in you and you receive a positive affirmation, just be thankful and move on. Don’t be tempted to tell them what you have been through for the past ten weeks while trying to overcome a habit. Believe me; they really don’t want to know! If they do want to know, they will ask.
3. Deal positively with guilt.
When you ‘see the light’ and realise that you may have been upsetting or offending people by your actions, words or attitudes, a deep sense of guilt can set in. It is important to deal with this guilt or it can become a roadblock to restoring and maintaining quality relationships.
The first step is to forgive yourself. Remember that where you are now is a product of past encouragements, discouragements, hurts, joys, decisions and choices infused into what you knew about yourself and life in general, back when they occurred. People change. Circumstances change. Relationships change. Forgive yourself and make a quality decision to move forward and make different choices and decisions to become the person you really want to be. Then focus on forgiving others.
Those who criticised you, hurt you, or walked away from you had their reasons and for your own benefit, you need to forgive them and let them go. This sets you up to receive good things from those who are around you now and it will open doors to new, healthy relationships as well.
4. Smile and Enjoy Your Journey.
Yesterday is gone and you can’t go back and change anything. But the future is waiting to be written. Your tomorrow can be different from yesterday and today and you get to choose what it will look like so smile and enjoy your journey.
Time to flourish
Helen.